FFXV - Boy Band
by QuestRunner
Summary: Noctis is ready for the roadtrip of his life - that is, if King Regis will ever stop talking. Join our four heroes as they discover formidable foes and forge new friendships in this heartwarming retelling of comedic proportions.
1. Chapter 1

Noctis descended the steps with swag, save for the slight stumble caused by his stylish boots. He did a quick handstand-backflip to correct his balance before pushing Prompto aside to beat him to the car. Hey, if anyone was getting shotgun, it was the prince-to-be, or he'd be breaking more than just his old man's heart.

"Your Highness!"

"Ugh…what NOW?" Noctis groaned. He paused in his angsty man-walk to swivel on his feet and look at the kingly figure hobbling toward him from the top landing. He wondered how King Regis had even caught up with them so fast. One cut scene ago, the man was sitting contentedly on his throne with at least one hundred steps and a mile long hallway between himself and Noctis and company. And here he was, scrambling to provide some last-minute, probably-sorta-bet-your-life-on-it important words that would guide him through the rest of his journey. The young prince scoffed and rolled his eyes. He was winded after his awesome backflip feat on the stairs and wasn't in the mood for his tenth lecture of the day. His Dad, however, ignored his strife and pushed onward.

"I fear I have left too much unsaid," the king said.

"You can speak normal, pops. I mean, seriously, the way you and Luna use all these big words kinda freaks me out," Noctis replied. He gestured to his waiting comrades and pointed double finger pistols at the car. "Let's rock n' roll, guys, before Dad tries to pull me into a long-winded heart-to-heart that no one cares about. Chop chop, Prompto." To his absolute horror, the king had the audacity to include his friends in the conversation and Noctis cringed in embarrassment.

"You place a great burden on those who would bear with you."

"They'll be fine, old man. We bought extra snacks for the road and stocked up on potions—"

"Curatives," Ignis clarified from behind.

"Whatever. Point is, we're FINE. Besides, you're one to talk." At this, King Regis pushed past him, limp aside, and addressed his bodyguard-wildlife instructor, advisor-resident chef and childhood friend-wannabe photographer with an air of regality.

"I ask not that you guide my wayward son, merely that you remain at his side."

"Indeed your grace," Ignis responded automatically with a slight bow. Noctis refrained from smacking the stylish glasses off his face.

"You're dead to me, Ignis. As for the rest of you, don't give in to his lies! I command you not to answer him," the prince spat, even as his two other friends blatantly ignored his plea.

"We'll see the prince to Altissia if it's the last thing we see." Gladio, that back-stabber.

"Yeah, what he said," Prompto added with a wave of that fluffy chocobo hair. Noctis rounded on his tattooed sparring partner first as he jabbed a finger into Gladio's chest.

"You do realize that you said 'see' twice in that sentence, right? Whatever. Hate to break it up, but Cor's got the motor running with my heated seat and back massager on." He gave his reigning father one last roll of his eyes before he descended down the steps once more. "Drautos, he's in your hands. Don't let him eat my hidden stash of ice cream while I'm gone."

If Noctis thought his smug get-away was enough to silence the king and his parting words of wisdom, he was wrong. He heard the leg brace creak as the man leaned forward.

"And another thing—"

"AGAIN? Don't you ever give up?"

"Do mind your manners around your charming bride-to-be." Noctis stifled a groan and settled for a mock bow instead, despite the slight shaking of his ankles as his feet nearly buckled from his unfamiliar boots. But they had red soles and were super cool, so he wasn't about to swap them for anything better. He'd even forced his friends to wear them, lest he fire them for insubordination. The young prince wracked his brain for a clever comeback that would knock the socks off his old man in an epic showdown to end all showdowns.

"Your Majesty as well," he finally said. It sounded pathetic, even in his ears. He tried to add a bit more bite behind them and hastily added, "Try to mind yours around our esteemed guests from Niflheim." Epic showdown montage complete, he once again steeled himself to leave when King Regis' gravelly words held him fast.

"You have no cause for concern."

"Fine, whatever. Nor do you. Well, I'm gonna jet, so—"

"Take heed," the king continued with a swish of his showy royal garb. "Once you set forth, you cannot turn back." Ugh. Leave it to Gollum and his magic ring to spin more riddles for him to fail to solve.

"You think I would?" Noctis shot back regardless. Did his dad mean that he could never come back to his decked-out, rockin' awesome castle with his private master suite and stellar rooftop view? Or did he mean this figuratively, what with the road trip and all that jazz? The king smiled warmly and closed the obvious gap between them with a slight limp.

"I need only know that you are ready to leave home behind." So, there it was. He really was being kicked out of his bachelor pad for good! Noctis then remembered his hidden stash of ice cream. Damn. It was double chocolate chip, too. He'd have to come back for that at some point, with or without Mr. High-and-Mighty's blessing. Noctis decided to play it cool—he could always crash the palace later with his super acrobatic teleporting skills.

"Don't know about you, but I'm ready as I'll ever be." He could say that again. He was really craving that heated seat and back massage right about now to diffuse the stress headache caused by this unwanted chat. "Okay, I'm headed out, so—"

"Take care on the long road," King Regis said just as his son's back was turned.

"I swear, old man, if you stop me from leaving one more time—" As usual, his righteous father continued as if he hadn't heard him.

"Wheresoever you should go…"

"Is that even a word? You stole that from the Scrabble tournament last night, didn't you?"

"…the line of Lucis goes with you." The older man then put a hand on the prince's shoulder. Noctis tried to shake the well-meaning gesture off, but the grip tightened against his will. "Walk tall, my son."

"Don't worry, pops. I put in my shoe inserts this morning. It's cool." At that, the cut scene music reached its epic crescendo and Noctis took this as his cue to enter the sweet ride and stare broodingly out the window.


	2. Chapter 2

Noctis sat dejectedly on the fire-hot pavement, leaning against the blazing-hot luxury vehicle and not even trying to shield his eyes from the wire-hot sun. His debatable journey-appropriate black leather clothes sucked the rest of the heat out of the air, enveloping him in a shimmering mirage. He didn't even try to find a bit of shade or wait in one of the plush car seats; sinking further in his misery, he made sure to suck the fun out of the atmosphere. Despite his illustrious lifestyle, he was sure he'd suffered the most out of everyone in the Crown City and he wasn't going to let his friends forget it.

"Noct! A car!" Ignis said sharply, adjusting the rear-view mirror to get a better glimpse of the approaching vehicle. Noct opted to stay on the ground and make himself as useless as possible while Gladio barely attempted to get the driver's attention before the car sped off toward their destination.

"I think we can forget about hitching our way there…" the tattooed bodyguard said gravely as Ignis shot him an irritated look.

"YOU barely tried to stop that car! We'll be stranded forever at this rate." The Brit sighed deeply and rubbed the bridge of his nose with an air of annoyance. He glanced in the side mirror and rolled his eyes. "Noct, why are you just lying there like some pathetic, dirty worm? And where the devil is Prompto?"

"Thought people were friendly outside the city," Gladio continued, oblivious to the driver's voice of reason. Noctis felt so fried by the sun at this point he thought he'd spontaneously combust. It was a good thing his smooth, ivory skin never got sunburnt or he'd really be in some pain. In fact, it was actually shocking that he even had an aptitude for fishing at all, given that he spent all his time indoors and Insomnia didn't even boast one single pond inside its magic-infused walls.

"People _are_ friendly, you big baboon, but they probably assumed _four grown men_ could figure out how to—"

"Just gonna have to push her all the way." Gladio interrupted, hauling Noctis unceremoniously to his feet while the blonde lay spread-eagled on the ground.

"I've already pushed myself…to the brink of death."

Ignis pushed his glasses up the bridge of his sweaty nose. "I am surrounded by incapable _children_. Seeing as none of us know anything about basic car repair, I suggest we contact Hammerhead garage and request a tow. Pushing this monstrosity _by hand_ would by exceptionally straining, not to mention a waste of time; _time_ that would be better spent making our way to Lady Lunafreya in Altissia—"

Noctis leapt to his feet like a man possessed by the power of the Crystal and placed his hands on the Regalia's scorching finish. "I'm with Gladio. There's no other option. Chop chop, Prompto!"

Ignis gave another of his incredulous stares. "Really, Noct? Really? You've barely pushed a revolving door open by yourself, let alone a four thousand pound hunk of metal."

Noctis pretended he couldn't hear that last comment and plotted inventive ways to break the Brit's glasses at the next stop while Gladio prepared to push the car from behind.

"It would be far more prudent to just call for help," Ignis supplied angrily, but the others commenced in their foolish efforts. "Fine, then! But don't expect me to help. _I'm_ going to sit back and relax."

Ten feet later and the prince was ready to quit. He sent withering looks to the bodyguard that were studiously ignored, so he did the next best thing and whined with his most childish emo voice. "Gladio, do me a favor. Push this thing by yourself."

The scarred face stared at him in disgust. "Uh, how's about NO. Last I checked, this car belonged to your father. Which now belongs to you. So help push your own car, you selfish blowhard."

Noctis brought his armguard up to wipe the sweat from his brow and stared directly into the sun with dead eyes. "Fine, then. By the order of myself, the Prince-heir to the throne of bladda-blah, I hereby give you ownership of the Regalia. Ha! Now it's your car. So, you can push it to Hammerhead."

"Why, you—!"

"You won't even notice if we just let go," Prompto added, while Ignis once again tried to beat some good-natured sense into his companions with his incessant superiority complex.

"This could all be avoided if we simply _call a tow—"_

 _"LESS TALKING, MORE PUSHING!"_ the muscle demanded, his words going unheeded as Noct flung himself mopily on the side of the road in rebellion and rolled into a cactuar. He was one of the richest men in the world. He was about to marry an intelligent, gorgeous woman and was surrounded by three friends who would lay down their lives for him. His life really sucked sometimes. He wondered if limps were hereditary.


End file.
